Tuesday, May 12, 2015

It was me......

 I insisted that the doctor do whatever testing he could after my last miscarriage. There has to be a reason! He ran blood clotting tests I think more to just get me off his back than anything.

Well about a month later I got a phone call from his office, my test results were in. I had tested positive for Lupus Anti-bodies, indicating that I may have APS/Hughes Syndrome and a 50% chance of having some other autoimmune disease.

This news crushed me..... It was me.... I was the one who killed my babies.... All I could think about was did it hurt when my body clotted off and deprived them of blood and oxygen. It was my body that betrayed me yet again...... I did this....

It was me!

The nurse advised that I go and see a fetal maternal specialist to sort out these test results. However, since my insurance is really crappy she said she would wait till we were ready to pursue this more. The doctor had advised us to wait at least 6 months to try again. That boy and I decided we should wait a full year to give us time to heal mentally and physically. The past year had been a roller coaster and I think we both needed a break.

While it is a relief to not constantly be monitoring and wondering if I am pregnant I'm also very sad that we decided to put all of this on hold. I feel like my clock is ticking and the further away from it we get the easier it will be to just let it go and walk away from trying again.

I'm terrified that the risks of having another child will be too great and we won't be able to try again.

There is just so much unknown.........

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