2 years later

I don't often let my mind wonder down this path because it is too painful to think about.  But today I can't suppress the thoughts because they are bubbling over. 

Two years ago today we lost our baby. I went into the operating room and they took my baby. My baby who's heart stopped beating. One moment I was pregnant and happy the next my life became unraveled. 

It amazes me how fragile and percarious life is. One pulled thread can unravel the whole thing. 

For me that day broke something deep inside. Something that while time marches on will never truly be whole again it may ache less but it will always be broken. 

Today I let my mind wonder to think of the 1 1/2 year old that should be running around my house. He would be at that adorable toddler stage where every thing he does is cute. Would he be talking? We would probably be working on potty training him. How would my girl like being a big sister? Would his hair be brown? Eyes blue? Would he like bananas? I wonder how different our lives would be? Would I be working? Would my boy be overly burdened with work and responsibility? So many questions that I will never know the answer to. 

Two years ago today I felt so strongly in the fact that we would have another baby. I was certian that it would happen. That there was a bigger reason for our loss. Now however two years and two additional losses later I'm at the fork in the road trying to decide what path to venture down. What may be a sign or just coincidence I have to get my blood drawn today for the fetal maternal specialist. I have to admit I'm a little scared of what they will find and what path it will send me down. 

I hope to go to the beach today and let my mind wonder just a bit more before I pack up these thoughts and feelings. 

One foot in front of the other...

I finally got my medical records and am headed to the obgyn today. I'm terrified for so many reasons. But we must press on in my heart I know I need answers.....

Up and at em!!!

I'm starting boot camp this morning. Yeah for fitness and a new attitude!!!! I can do this. 

Nail on the head......

That moment when your friend totally hits the nail right on the head and you fall apart. 

I have not really been myself since our first loss and I have felt so lost. 

We were discussing me coming back to our workout group. I was telling her that I just feel so unmotivated. I used to have great motivation. Ran 5 miles a day went to the gym. Ate super healthy. Now I just can't bring myself to even go for a walk. 

She said she felt the same way after she lost her baby. Explained how her hormones had been so wacky and she could see so much of the same in me. 

I fell apart. How can this still be such a sore subject? How has this affected my life sooo much. Blah. 

Resolutions

1. I want to become the best me I can. I need to be strong and healthy for myself and family. 

2. I want to complete my masters. 

3. I want to have a diagnosis for my pregnancy issues. 

4. I want a plan that I can be at peace with regarding another baby. 

5. I want to go to the blue spring. 

6. Get a tattoo 

This will be a year of turning my life around. I feel like since the losses I have been depressed and trapped in a cycle of not caring. I need to turn it around. I have so many good things in my life that I can't allow these bad events to shape the rest of my future. I don't know what 2016 has in store for me but I'm ready for a change.