How do you say good bye?

After we lost Duce I bought a St. Gerard necklace. I wanted so desperately to protect the baby I lost and any that would come. I wore that necklace night and day, I never took it off. When we got pregnant with peanut I was necrotic about wearing it. I even pinned it to my bra one day since I wanted to wear a different necklace. The day we found out that peanut's heart stopped beating I ripped the necklace off and shoved it at that boy. I could not bear the weight of it.... I felt that it was all a joke St. Gerard did not protect my baby. I was mad...... Well that boy put it on his wrist and never took it off. It was something we never talked about and I tried not to think about it...

Well the other day it broke off at work. He told me that he wore it as a reminder and he was upset when it broke, but then his day got better and a lot of things fell into place. He has been having a ruff time lately and this felt like the cloud had been lifted. That it was ok to say good bye to peanut and to move forward with our lives.

All I can do is cry. I often wonder why he is not affected as deeply as I am but when he tells me things like this I know he is just as hurt as I am.

Alternate realities.........

It is amazing how small moment in our lives change and shape our futures so drastically.

I had a dream of having a C-section and then holding this precious bundle of a baby. Seeing my daughters face when she got to meet her baby sister for the first time. It was such a peaceful and happy dream......

Then I woke up..... Got dressed... and rushed off to work.

My due date for peanut is fast approaching and I can't help but think about how different my life should be. I should not be racing around trying to learn my new job and stressing myself out not being a good Mom to my daughter. I should be holding that little bundle enjoying time with my kids.

Some where in an alternate universe that person got her happy ending.......