Significant days.

On this day a year ago I got the news I feared. Our peanut had died and I needed to have another D&C. I spent this day balling my eyes out and frantically trying to pack up all my Christmas decorations. I remember being up at 1:00 am organizing my daughters room. That boy came in wrapped his arms around me and told me it was ok and he loved me. I cried so much that night. Sad for another life that I lost. Sad that I had gotten my hopes up. Sad that once again my future was changing. Sad that my daughter would not get to be a big sister. The next day I went to the same hospital that I delivered my daughter walked the same path we walked up with a big belly and a happy future in our eyes. This time I felt hallow and empty. I sat in my hospital gown, defeated and lost. Tonight I feel much the same. My life has changed so much in the last year. New job, career potential, my life is in a different place. However I still sit here with so many questions. Questions I'm afraid to get the answer to questions that will haunt me if I don't get the answer to. I don't know what will be next but I do know that I will always cherish my little peanut and the brief time I knew her. 

Christmas.....

I sat at the end of my driveway today watching that girl try out her new bike and I lost it. 

Last year I sat in the exact same spot doing the exact say thing. However last year I had my hand on my growing belly and felt as if everything was finally right with the world. I was so happy that I cried. Little did I know that a few short days later that joy and sense that all was right would be completely shattered. 

So this Christmas I sit here thinking about  what was what could be and what it. It's so hard still to wrap my head around our losses and futures that could have been. I hope that this time next year I am at peace with this topic and can move forward with my life, instead of being stuck in this inbetween. 

Thankful...

Thankful. 

For the past year and a half of my life I have had a hard time finding things to be thankful for. My heart had been so broken and bitter that being thankful was far from any emotion I could muster. But today, today I will be thankful for all that I have. 

I have a beautiful girl and an understanding boy who without them I would be lost. Its a perfect day out and the sun is shining bright. 

Maybe just for today I can step into the light and let my worries go. Because whatever life has in store for me in the year to come I know that I am thankful for today for this moment. 

So for this day I am thankful and I will not worry about the tomorrow's to come or the dreams of yesterday. I will be here right now in this day of thanks. 

Irony......

My health insurance finally kicked in and I decided it was time to stop beating around the bush and make my doctors appointment for the fetal maternal specialist. I called my obgyn and the number was disconnected. Thought wow that's weird. I found out my doctor suffered a stroke. He is doing ok now but he closed his practice. I started to panic. What about my medical records. And now I have to get a new doctor?!?? Ahhhhhhhhhg

I talked to the specialists office and explained the situation. They said I have to have a referral to come see them...... So I finally decided on a new doctor. I called their office and explained the situation and that I needed to see a specialist. They said they could not get my records!!!! Wtf!??? But the receptionist said she had heard that their was a note on the fort of my doctors office with directions on how to get records. 

She was right I found a note with an address to write to to get records. So hopefully I can get my records soon. And further more hopefully my new doctor will send me to the specialist. 

It's so frustrating to finally have insurance and feel ready to open that box only to have it road blocked again. Argggg

How do you say good bye?

After we lost Duce I bought a St. Gerard necklace. I wanted so desperately to protect the baby I lost and any that would come. I wore that necklace night and day, I never took it off. When we got pregnant with peanut I was necrotic about wearing it. I even pinned it to my bra one day since I wanted to wear a different necklace. The day we found out that peanut's heart stopped beating I ripped the necklace off and shoved it at that boy. I could not bear the weight of it.... I felt that it was all a joke St. Gerard did not protect my baby. I was mad...... Well that boy put it on his wrist and never took it off. It was something we never talked about and I tried not to think about it...

Well the other day it broke off at work. He told me that he wore it as a reminder and he was upset when it broke, but then his day got better and a lot of things fell into place. He has been having a ruff time lately and this felt like the cloud had been lifted. That it was ok to say good bye to peanut and to move forward with our lives.

All I can do is cry. I often wonder why he is not affected as deeply as I am but when he tells me things like this I know he is just as hurt as I am.

Alternate realities.........

It is amazing how small moment in our lives change and shape our futures so drastically.

I had a dream of having a C-section and then holding this precious bundle of a baby. Seeing my daughters face when she got to meet her baby sister for the first time. It was such a peaceful and happy dream......

Then I woke up..... Got dressed... and rushed off to work.

My due date for peanut is fast approaching and I can't help but think about how different my life should be. I should not be racing around trying to learn my new job and stressing myself out not being a good Mom to my daughter. I should be holding that little bundle enjoying time with my kids.

Some where in an alternate universe that person got her happy ending.......

Oh the paths of life......

I got a job offer last week for an amazing job as a school secretary. I'm beyond thrilled for the opportunity! However, my heart aches..... for how different life should have been. I should have a big round belly and I should be preparing for the birth of our second or third child. Not trying to figure out day care for my daughter and work shoes...... I was doing so good for awhile and now I just feel so sad for the life that could have been.

I feel like getting this job is the end of that hope of another child. The door is quickly closing on me and I'm not quite ready to lock it. I feel like this will be my biggest regret in life never having a second child. I don't know.

I keep thinking about that day having to go in for my second D&C feeling the cold chill of the hospital..... it should have been different it should not have ended that way.

I know this job will be a huge step up for my family. For the past five years we have made it off of one income. Scrimping and saving as best I could so another income will be huge for us. I'm excited for the opportunity to take some pressure off of that boy and for the things we can now do without so much worrying. I have to keep these things in mind that this is so good for us.

However, I still sit here with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I just wish I knew what the future holds for me and my family.

To close the door and lock it? take another path? Or jump into a life that may not be what I want? for me? My family? A baby?

Ch ch Changes!

I feel like everything is changing in my life and I do not really like it my time in Camelot is coming to an end. I have spent the past 5 years raising my baby girl and now its time for her to start school and for me to go back to work........

I'm terrified of what being a working mother will be like its so unknown to me. I worry about my daughter and how she will adjust. I know kids are resilient but I still worry. I do not want her world to change too much in such a short time.

I also feel like going back to work puts an end to us trying for a second child. That boy is always reassuring me that its not the end and having a child go to daycare is not the worst thing. I just don't see it..... I want to be able to give a child everything that I gave our first and working full time does not feel like I can do that. I have been so stressed about it. I want to be able to close this door and move forward but every time I try something pulls be right back......

I feel like if we never try or at least follow up on the APS/Hughes thing it will be the biggest regret of my life. I will always wonder what if? How our life would have been different. I already feel guilty for not trying for another sooner. Maybe if we had then I would not have lost the other two...... I know we can not change our past or our future by guilt and worry but sometimes I can not help these feelings....

I just wish I could turn back the clock to Christmas morning when all was right with the world.... A baby in my belly, a beautiful daughter, loving husband, and new home...The future looked so promising then! Now it just looks scary and unknown............

Announcements .....left and right

I'm sure it is because I am more sensitive to the subject now but I feel like baby announcements are popping up all the time!! I have never been a jealous person but now I feel that big green monster boiling up all the time. I very often cry looking at the joy of my friends so blissful and happy announcing their pregnancies without any knowledge of the dark side. I'm so jealous! I should be very pregnant by now or have a cute little baby on my lap. Why can't that be my family posting pictures of little shoes and ultrasounds. Having gender reveal parties and celebrations for this new life. Instead I sit here trying desperately to manage my feelings and be happy for them that they don't have to sit on the dark side. I hope that some day I can find myself again and this ghost of a person I have become can take a hike. 

It was me......

 I insisted that the doctor do whatever testing he could after my last miscarriage. There has to be a reason! He ran blood clotting tests I think more to just get me off his back than anything.

Well about a month later I got a phone call from his office, my test results were in. I had tested positive for Lupus Anti-bodies, indicating that I may have APS/Hughes Syndrome and a 50% chance of having some other autoimmune disease.

This news crushed me..... It was me.... I was the one who killed my babies.... All I could think about was did it hurt when my body clotted off and deprived them of blood and oxygen. It was my body that betrayed me yet again...... I did this....

It was me!

The nurse advised that I go and see a fetal maternal specialist to sort out these test results. However, since my insurance is really crappy she said she would wait till we were ready to pursue this more. The doctor had advised us to wait at least 6 months to try again. That boy and I decided we should wait a full year to give us time to heal mentally and physically. The past year had been a roller coaster and I think we both needed a break.

While it is a relief to not constantly be monitoring and wondering if I am pregnant I'm also very sad that we decided to put all of this on hold. I feel like my clock is ticking and the further away from it we get the easier it will be to just let it go and walk away from trying again.

I'm terrified that the risks of having another child will be too great and we won't be able to try again.

There is just so much unknown.........

Where my story begins....

I'm not even sure where to begin... At what point does my story start?
I suppose my story starts when I fell in love with a boy. I met this particular boy when I was only 15 and I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him that he was my other half. We just clicked and from that moment on he was always by my side. See he was 7 years older than me so our start was a little rocky with parents being parents and all. However, after sometime my family grew to love him and trust him. After only dating for 3 months I began to get very sick. I had terrible abdominal pain and then I started passing out this was the start of a very long and dark road for me. I was too ill to go to school so I was put on home hospital and spent most of my days in bed. It was a terrible 2 1/2 years..... I was finally diagnosed with endometriosis and a heart condition called vaso vagal syncope. My life was not fun during that time I was isolated and felt miserable most of the time. However, that boy after only dating me for 3 months stayed by my side through all of it. He could have easily left because things were hard but he never did, his love and friendship are the things that got me through that horrendous time.

I slowly got better and managed my illness with medications and was able to function as a relatively normal person. That boy and I finally got married when I was 18 and moved into our own apartment. Life was really good. We both knew early on that if we wanted to have a family we needed to try sooner than later, as my health may prevent us from having a family. Both of us knew we wanted kids. I knew that in my heart, that boy would make an amazing father. We decided to start trying after a year of marriage. I would watch him interact with our friend’s children and my heart ached for a child of our own. Month after month and no luck. I remember after a year of trying thinking my body had yet again failed me. We went to a friend’s child’s birthday party and I remember crying on the way home because I knew deep down that it would never happen for us. I would never be able to give my boy that special gift! I would never be able to be a mother. After nearly 2 ½ years of trying we had come to terms with the fact that we would not be parents it was not in the cards for us. Neither of us wanted to pursue IVF or any kind of assisted fertility treatments because we figured my body just was not meant to carry a child.

Then the economy took a dump and we both worked in the construction industry. So our financial stability was in question. We talked it over and had decided it was best to just go back on birth control since it helped my endometriosis and financially it was not a good time to start a family. That month I was a week late…… I finally got those two pink lines I had been dreaming about. We were beyond happy!!! Naturally with my health issues we were nervous that something could happen but once we heard that heart beat all our worries went away. I was told that once you hear a heartbeat your chances of miscarrying go way way down. So we told everyone!!!! We started planning for a future with our child. Then we lost our jobs and had to move across the country (this is an entirely different story). I gave birth to a beautiful 9 lbs 1 oz baby girl.

After moving and leaving all I knew behind, having a baby, and practically being completely alone lets just say that my dream of how having a baby would be was far from the reality. I’m sure I had some depression etc. This experience coupled with the fact that it was so hard to conceive my daughter I completely eliminated the possibility from my mind of having another child. I was and am so thankful for her. She is my life.
Well 4 years passed and I felt funny and had that nagging voice in the back of my head maybe your pregnant. I had that feeling before and it turned into nothing but I decided to buy a test. Low and behold I was pregnant (FYI St. Johns Wart makes birth control ineffective). The pregnancy line came up before the control line…. There was no doubt that I was pregnant. I was scared and shocked….. I honestly had not been planning this and was so taken by surprise that I was not sure what to think. This changed everything. We were renting a crummy house and there was no room for another child… How our lives would change. How my daughter’s life would change…. I was a mess.. I then got morning sickness and felt miserable. We went to the doctor and saw that heart beating on the screen. We told our daughter that she was going to be a BIG SISTER! She was beyond excited the first words out of her mouth were I always wanted a baby!!! It was so sweet and just melted my heart. At 10 weeks I had a scan and saw the baby everything looked good and I was right on track! We found a perfect house and things were falling into place. I was starting to get a little belly. I was so happy………. Then I started to bleed at 12 weeks. I sat on the table waiting for the doctor pleading with god that I wanted everything to be ok. Over and over in my head please let my baby be ok please….. I could see the monitor and there was no movement where the heart should be… Then the words… I’m sorry but there is no heart beat……….. My heart shattered. That day my world broke. I was all alone and my baby was dead. What was I going to do now…. I had to call my husband, I could barely get the words out. It was one of the worst days of my life. My amazing aunt picked me up and took me home. I remember getting home and having to change my clothes because I was wearing maternity pants and I couldn’t wear them any more because I was not pregnant. I fell apart. How would I tell my daughter that she would not be a big sister…… It was a very hard week. Having to rehash the details with friends and family, field the questions that a 4 year old has about these things. I had a D&C. I took the whole thing very hard. Why would God give me a child only to take it away I did not ask for it I had not been trying. Why open that door? I was so hurt and broken inside. That boy was hurting too. Our mutual hurt nearly broke us. My relationship which had grounded me was falling apart and I had no idea how to get back to “normal”. It was bad. However, I had always in the back of my mind knew that we would try again and we would have another baby…..

Well I got pregnant 5 months later. Unfortunately that pregnancy was short lived and I lost it very early. They call them chemical pregnancies. We were trying to buy a house at the time and I was under a lot of stress!!! A LOT of stress, I believe that is why I lost the baby.

We finally bought our own home and life was settling down. We passed the due date of the first baby we lost. My marriage was finally in a very good place and I was genuinely happy again!!!!!

My daughter got sick with the flu and my period was coming up and I was afraid that I was going to get sick and be pregnant. I took a test early and I was pregnant!!! It was the day before our wedding anniversary! I was so scared that being sick with the flu would make me loose the baby. I cried to my husband that I was afraid. I had a fever for a few days and the whole time I was scared because I knew what could happen. I took a ton of tests to see if my levels were going up. Every day I felt like I was walking on eggshells. My first OB apt was terrifying!!! Then we saw our little peanut on the screen with a beating heart! I was relieved but as any woman who has miscarried I was still scared. We did not tell anyone about the pregnancy in fear of something happening. I had morning sickness something awful and my belly was starting to show. Christmas morning I sat outside of our home watching our daughter ride her new bike and I cried tears of happiness. My life was whole all the struggle and pain was gone… Our family was growing and I could imagine walking up the front steps with a baby carrier. Things were looking up for us! The next day I was not as sick and that worried me…. My boobs did not hurt as much… that worried me. I was 10 weeks and I had a single drop of blood when I went to the bathroom. I lost it…. I knew it was all over with. I cried all night went to the doctor the next day. This time I was not alone this time my husband held my hand in the same room that I had been given the bad news before. The nurses always try to reassure you…. I’m sure everything is ok…..lets just get you checked out….. Then……. I’m sorry there is no heart beat…….

I was numb….. I had to have another D&C. It was a very bad way to ring in the new year.

So here I am trying to figure out where to go from here.