Significant days.

On this day a year ago I got the news I feared. Our peanut had died and I needed to have another D&C. I spent this day balling my eyes out and frantically trying to pack up all my Christmas decorations. I remember being up at 1:00 am organizing my daughters room. That boy came in wrapped his arms around me and told me it was ok and he loved me. I cried so much that night. Sad for another life that I lost. Sad that I had gotten my hopes up. Sad that once again my future was changing. Sad that my daughter would not get to be a big sister. The next day I went to the same hospital that I delivered my daughter walked the same path we walked up with a big belly and a happy future in our eyes. This time I felt hallow and empty. I sat in my hospital gown, defeated and lost. Tonight I feel much the same. My life has changed so much in the last year. New job, career potential, my life is in a different place. However I still sit here with so many questions. Questions I'm afraid to get the answer to questions that will haunt me if I don't get the answer to. I don't know what will be next but I do know that I will always cherish my little peanut and the brief time I knew her. 

Christmas.....

I sat at the end of my driveway today watching that girl try out her new bike and I lost it. 

Last year I sat in the exact same spot doing the exact say thing. However last year I had my hand on my growing belly and felt as if everything was finally right with the world. I was so happy that I cried. Little did I know that a few short days later that joy and sense that all was right would be completely shattered. 

So this Christmas I sit here thinking about  what was what could be and what it. It's so hard still to wrap my head around our losses and futures that could have been. I hope that this time next year I am at peace with this topic and can move forward with my life, instead of being stuck in this inbetween.