Tuesday, December 29, 2015
On this day a year ago I got the news I feared. Our peanut had died and I needed to have another D&C. I spent this day balling my eyes out and frantically trying to pack up all my Christmas decorations. I remember being up at 1:00 am organizing my daughters room. That boy came in wrapped his arms around me and told me it was ok and he loved me. I cried so much that night. Sad for another life that I lost. Sad that I had gotten my hopes up. Sad that once again my future was changing. Sad that my daughter would not get to be a big sister. The next day I went to the same hospital that I delivered my daughter walked the same path we walked up with a big belly and a happy future in our eyes. This time I felt hallow and empty. I sat in my hospital gown, defeated and lost. Tonight I feel much the same. My life has changed so much in the last year. New job, career potential, my life is in a different place. However I still sit here with so many questions. Questions I'm afraid to get the answer to questions that will haunt me if I don't get the answer to. I don't know what will be next but I do know that I will always cherish my little peanut and the brief time I knew her.