2 years later

I don't often let my mind wonder down this path because it is too painful to think about.  But today I can't suppress the thoughts because they are bubbling over. 

Two years ago today we lost our baby. I went into the operating room and they took my baby. My baby who's heart stopped beating. One moment I was pregnant and happy the next my life became unraveled. 

It amazes me how fragile and percarious life is. One pulled thread can unravel the whole thing. 

For me that day broke something deep inside. Something that while time marches on will never truly be whole again it may ache less but it will always be broken. 

Today I let my mind wonder to think of the 1 1/2 year old that should be running around my house. He would be at that adorable toddler stage where every thing he does is cute. Would he be talking? We would probably be working on potty training him. How would my girl like being a big sister? Would his hair be brown? Eyes blue? Would he like bananas? I wonder how different our lives would be? Would I be working? Would my boy be overly burdened with work and responsibility? So many questions that I will never know the answer to. 

Two years ago today I felt so strongly in the fact that we would have another baby. I was certian that it would happen. That there was a bigger reason for our loss. Now however two years and two additional losses later I'm at the fork in the road trying to decide what path to venture down. What may be a sign or just coincidence I have to get my blood drawn today for the fetal maternal specialist. I have to admit I'm a little scared of what they will find and what path it will send me down. 

I hope to go to the beach today and let my mind wonder just a bit more before I pack up these thoughts and feelings. 

One foot in front of the other...

I finally got my medical records and am headed to the obgyn today. I'm terrified for so many reasons. But we must press on in my heart I know I need answers.....

Up and at em!!!

I'm starting boot camp this morning. Yeah for fitness and a new attitude!!!! I can do this. 

Nail on the head......

That moment when your friend totally hits the nail right on the head and you fall apart. 

I have not really been myself since our first loss and I have felt so lost. 

We were discussing me coming back to our workout group. I was telling her that I just feel so unmotivated. I used to have great motivation. Ran 5 miles a day went to the gym. Ate super healthy. Now I just can't bring myself to even go for a walk. 

She said she felt the same way after she lost her baby. Explained how her hormones had been so wacky and she could see so much of the same in me. 

I fell apart. How can this still be such a sore subject? How has this affected my life sooo much. Blah. 

Resolutions

1. I want to become the best me I can. I need to be strong and healthy for myself and family. 

2. I want to complete my masters. 

3. I want to have a diagnosis for my pregnancy issues. 

4. I want a plan that I can be at peace with regarding another baby. 

5. I want to go to the blue spring. 

6. Get a tattoo 

This will be a year of turning my life around. I feel like since the losses I have been depressed and trapped in a cycle of not caring. I need to turn it around. I have so many good things in my life that I can't allow these bad events to shape the rest of my future. I don't know what 2016 has in store for me but I'm ready for a change. 

Significant days.

On this day a year ago I got the news I feared. Our peanut had died and I needed to have another D&C. I spent this day balling my eyes out and frantically trying to pack up all my Christmas decorations. I remember being up at 1:00 am organizing my daughters room. That boy came in wrapped his arms around me and told me it was ok and he loved me. I cried so much that night. Sad for another life that I lost. Sad that I had gotten my hopes up. Sad that once again my future was changing. Sad that my daughter would not get to be a big sister. The next day I went to the same hospital that I delivered my daughter walked the same path we walked up with a big belly and a happy future in our eyes. This time I felt hallow and empty. I sat in my hospital gown, defeated and lost. Tonight I feel much the same. My life has changed so much in the last year. New job, career potential, my life is in a different place. However I still sit here with so many questions. Questions I'm afraid to get the answer to questions that will haunt me if I don't get the answer to. I don't know what will be next but I do know that I will always cherish my little peanut and the brief time I knew her. 

Christmas.....

I sat at the end of my driveway today watching that girl try out her new bike and I lost it. 

Last year I sat in the exact same spot doing the exact say thing. However last year I had my hand on my growing belly and felt as if everything was finally right with the world. I was so happy that I cried. Little did I know that a few short days later that joy and sense that all was right would be completely shattered. 

So this Christmas I sit here thinking about  what was what could be and what it. It's so hard still to wrap my head around our losses and futures that could have been. I hope that this time next year I am at peace with this topic and can move forward with my life, instead of being stuck in this inbetween.