Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Oh the paths of life......

I got a job offer last week for an amazing job as a school secretary. I'm beyond thrilled for the opportunity! However, my heart aches..... for how different life should have been. I should have a big round belly and I should be preparing for the birth of our second or third child. Not trying to figure out day care for my daughter and work shoes...... I was doing so good for awhile and now I just feel so sad for the life that could have been.

I feel like getting this job is the end of that hope of another child. The door is quickly closing on me and I'm not quite ready to lock it. I feel like this will be my biggest regret in life never having a second child. I don't know.

I keep thinking about that day having to go in for my second D&C feeling the cold chill of the hospital..... it should have been different it should not have ended that way.

I know this job will be a huge step up for my family. For the past five years we have made it off of one income. Scrimping and saving as best I could so another income will be huge for us. I'm excited for the opportunity to take some pressure off of that boy and for the things we can now do without so much worrying. I have to keep these things in mind that this is so good for us.

However, I still sit here with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I just wish I knew what the future holds for me and my family.

To close the door and lock it? take another path? Or jump into a life that may not be what I want? for me? My family? A baby?